I will freely and readily admit to not being an optimist. I would, of course, prefer to be a realist, but most of my friends are probably laughing already. Whatever. But I guess I am ok with that. However, what it is very hard not to be is cynical. It feels like a dirty word, sometimes. A negative thing that applies to the bitter and jaded emo types whom no one wants to hang around with. I do hope I’m not that far gone yet.

But in the meantime, a few things:

Yes, this blog has been kind of a downer in lots of ways. From the very beginning in fact. I’ve not admitted it publicly like this (and I honestly have no idea who actually reads this, but let’s hope it’s not my boss…) but I do experience depression. I do. I have. I am. And obviously that is going to influence much of what you read here.

Beyond that, I am not naturally a trusting person. There are a long litany of reasons for this, but I will not write about them here. Not anytime soon anyway. And I have often had to be talked into believing that a community is worth having. Worth experiencing.

Ever since Alexa shared her news I have kept the page open. All day long I refresh and refresh and refresh to read the comments. I hope to the-god-i-don’t-know-if-i-believe-in that she has been encouraged by this outpouring of support, but I also believe that she has, because I have been so strongly encouraged. It is not my loss to bear, not my grief to experience, but I feel it anyway and from the comments you can tell that we all feel it. We all are sharing in this loss with her, and in these past two days I have been realizing over and over again what a community is and what it means and why I still want one.

This move to Raleigh has been… difficult. My community here locally is two-people strong. Sometimes three or four, but mostly two. And it has been some months since I have sat down and ached for the real hugs I get from those hardy few who are patient enough to love me. It doesn’t happen quite as often now but there were so many times during the first year when I would go weeks and barely speak to another person. Work didn’t require it and even if it did that is not the sort of interaction that “counts” in my book.

I know what I am wanting to say, but I don’t know that I am doing the best job at conveying it. In short, I believe that for a little while, I am entering a time of mourning. I am choosing to mourn with Alexa. It’s the very least I can do. And I have my own mourning to do. In our sterile, pre-packeged, plasma and plastic world we aren’t supposed to mourn. Not really. We are supposed to move on, buck up, look on the bright side, count our blessings, cheer up, laugh so the world can laugh with us, get over it, smile when our hearts are aching, keep on the sunny side, clap our hands and say yeah.

Not to say that I will dress in black and weep and turn down invitations from friends. Just that I am giving myself permission to grieve for what I have lost… what we have lost… And not to say that I will dwell on the negative. I think it is time that I look into some things to be hopeful about, and I will write about them here. But I am not letting go of my season to mourn any longer. I honestly believe that the hardest part is just going to be taking the time. Time to reflect and be honest and objective when there will be so many other demands on my time. Are so many other demands on my time. But I think my hero would be proud of me, and it is her that I plan to spend the most time with regarding these things anyway.