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This is not a real post, but I am compelled, for the moment, to share with you a few reasons why I love the internet. These are things that make me very, very happy and nothing makes me happier than sharing things that might make you happy.
- Alexa. Alexa is one of the bravest women ever and her continued courage in the face of such deep heartache is mind-blowing. The thing making me super happy right now is the number of donations in her march of dimes walk. It makes me feel better about people.
- Comedy. A friend here in Raleigh is in stand-up and I think getting to know her and watch her shows has made me more interested in comedy in general. Slacker.com has comedy channels where I can listen (FOR FREE!) to some of my favorite comics. A few stellers: Maria Bamford, Mike Birbiglia, Jim Gaffigan.
- Wait Wait. I save listening to Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me for Monday mornings at work. It makes me happy.
Ok that is all for now. My eyes hurt so I must either have another glass of wine or make a nice, hot compress. Orrrr… how about both?!
A few local friends here were very kind and invited me to a couple of Easter weekend activities, and I am afraid that I turned them all down. The real truth of the matter is that this year I simply had no desire to acknowledge the existence of such a day.
But, of course, this is American and you cannot hide from a Judeo-Christian style holiday, no matter how hard you try. So I did spend some time pondering, not the idea of the day, but my relationship to it. It wasn’t particularly festive.
When I think about the Easters of my past the overwhelming memory is that of forced happiness. Easter was supposed to be the happiest occasion in the Christian calender, and there was intense pressure to be emotional. No matter what was going on in your life this was the day you were to put everything aside and rejoice. Shout hallelujah, wave palm fronds, sing loudly. And it just felt so, very, odd to me to feel that I really had to let everyone know how happy I was. And usually I wasn’t feeling much of anything at all. It was a weird sort of reverse monasticism to somehow discipline oneself into joy. I remember coming home from morning church services and feeling the need to happily reflect on the terrible sacrifice(s) made for my salvation.
Which is kind of weird, when you think about it. Madeleine L’Engle has written about how appalling she found this concept of rejoicing in the brutality of one man’s murder. And her concerns make sense. When you hear this from the pulpit you are told that we aren’t celebrating the death of Christ (on Easter), but instead the fact that he rose from the dead. But we can’t separate those things. The fundamental concept of Christianity is that humanity is redeemed through death. And when you look at this from the other side… it’s hard to see how that translates into a religion based on love.
Anyway. Those were some of my thoughts this weekend. No lectures, please. 
Hi! I am about to brag. Sort of. If you don’t wanna hear it you should probably head the other direction.
All ready?
I entered the NC State Poetry contest again this year and Dec. 23rd made it to the top 10%. This is up from last year, when I made the top 20%. Basically I was 30 or so out of 350(ish) entries. I can live with that. For now. The contest is free and open to anyone who lives in NC so it is a good opportunity. First place wins $500 which is really more interesting to me than the win at this point, but that is ok, right?
Having said that, I honestly have nothing creative to say to you folks right now. There isn’t the space in my brain to go anywhere with this tonight despite promising to be back and writing. But I am working on something. Soon.
(Apparently I have created confusion. If you click on the link Dec. 23rd, above, it will take you to the post in which I shared the poem of the same name. So it was the poem I was referring to, not a date. And those sincerely interested can read it there. Also, THANKS for all the comments!)
Ok so I sort of left. And even though I am back I do not guarantee any sort of coherent content and I DEFINITELY am not promising any narrative.
So hi. What’s new? How are you guys?
I am doing well. Despite the sleep problems I am feeling better these days than I have in about three years. And that is a good feeling. I am feeling hopeful… something that has been a loooong time coming. And I feel really ok with things as they are. Which is to say that, even if my circumstances don’t change considerably any time soon… I am ok with that. The job is still tedious and my circle of relationships here in Raleigh is still pretty small, but I am slowly learning to trust myself and to accept my present.
I am not really sure how that has translated into such utter silence in the blog, but I would guess that I have been hesitant to disturb this new-found equilibrium. Instead I spend my evenings working crossword puzzles and reading. And the evenings have gone from these interminably long hours to be filled to something so very short and precious. (I am surprised to hear this from myself!)
Oh, I also took up pipe-smoking. Tobacco, mind you. Picture me relaxing on the porch of a summers eve with jazz in the background and a curved pipe clutched in my hand.
More soon. I HOPE!
I have been very tentatively exploring Photoshop (which I received for Christmas) in preparation for participation in a fundraising auction. I had a few images crafted to my likeness when I realized that they are too small, pixel-wise. Since I can’t find the originals they won’t work for the auction, but I will find something else. In the meantime, I thought I’d share them here. Tweaked and untweaked images below. PLEASE feel free to leave comments. I need all the help/feedback I can get.
Untweaked. Building in downtown Asheville.
Tweaked:
Untweaked: Canal in Venice
Tweaked (This still needs more work, but feedback appreciated still):
Untweaked: Alabaster factory in Venezia, Italy
Tweaked:
This morning I overslept for work… overslept by two. hours.
For some reason I had been talking myself into the idea that this was getting better, but last night not only did I go to bed early, but then I overslept, totaling something like TWELVE HOURS worth of sleep. And I was tired all day.
This is not ideal.
