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Graduation

July 27, 2008 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

In just a few weeks I will keep my last regular appointment with my therapist. It has been two years… the day of the appointment will actually be about two years and two months. I had touched on my depression and therapy briefly here in my blog, but then there was drama and betrayal and incredibly ignorant, immature, but searingly painful comments about that very depression. So that was something of a deterrent.

Two years and two months ago I was regularly spending my evenings curled into the fetal position or pacing the kitchen in circles, crying violently for hours and until I made myself sick. Regularly I would have polka-dotted eyes where the force of my distress had caused all the blood vessels in my eyelids to burst. When I wasn’t doing that I would come home from work and clean the bathroom with a toothbrush or else stare at a blank wall for hours until I could reasonably go to sleep and expect to do it all again the next day. Weekends were the worst, since I knew only about 3 people here in Raleigh and had gigantic hours of time in which I couldn’t imagine how much longer it would be before I had something to distract me from the loneliness and fear. When my therapist asked I said that no, I had not thought of suicide, but elaborated that of course I had thought about it, just with the awareness that I did not have the courage to ever act on those thoughts.

In the back of my head were several very strong forces. Thoughts armed with 23 years of indoctrination are not weak. I was scared of being put on medication. My mom was unstable (putting it nicely) for the majority of my life and it had been blamed on “the medicine.” My religion had told me that God should be enough and that if He wasn’t enough then it was because I lacked faith or had some major sin in my life. My attempts to find support through church/religion in Raleigh were individually disastrous and I had given up on them and on God for the time being. But that didn’t mean that it would be easy to turn my back on their teachings or the fear of encountering the instability that made my mom what she was.

Enter My Friend. I won’t name her since she would be uncomfortable with that, but she does know very well who she is. Her very patient questions had begun several months before when things first began to go from “a rough patch” to “abnormal.” After one particularly uncontrollably evening something switched in my head, and I asked her how to go about finding a therapist. She later told me how nervous she was for my first appointment… knowing how terrified I was of everything relating to this depression, if that first appointment had gone poorly I may not have ever gone back.

But it didn’t go poorly. It went exceptionally well. I felt very comfortable and was shocked to hear that this therapist wanted to see me every week. That seemed like an awful lot to me. But I kept the appointments and after many, many months of squirming painfully on a green couch I slowly started to trust her. Talking was helping. I was still depressed and went through weeks where functioning was limited to making it to work… usually… and then to my appointment. This went on for a solid year. It took 12 months of talking myself to a more functional, but inadequate, level of wellness to recognize that talking alone was going to be insufficient. I believe that one of the hardest things I have ever done… if not THE hardest thing I have ever done… was fill the prescription for Lexapro, my antidepressant. I had to trust that My Friend and my therapist would be able to recognize, even if I couldn’t, whether or not that medicine was making me crazy like my mom had been.

Fourteen months after taking that first pill I cannot imagine a life without therapy. Not only am I more stable, more happy, more functional and present, more content and peaceful, than I have ever been in my life… if I had not been through this process I would not be capable of having a relationship with My Beloved. I told My Friend a few months ago that if I had to do it all again, if those two years of pain were what it took to bring me to a place where I could not only receive love, but express it to others… it was all worth it. I would do it all again. Because without those changes I would have lived an incredibly stunted, mostly miserable existence.

Instead, I have nothing but happy anticipation and expectation for my future. My “now” is unfettered by anxiety and indescribably full of gratitude and joy. Most amazingly, I am HAPPY. Happy in a way I have not known until now. I am, in fact, incredibly proud of myself for making it. At the same time, I am overwhelmed with gratitude to the two people without whom I never would have gotten started. Whatever good things, whatever joy I have in my life today and tomorrow and ten years from now, I hope that you remember that you have been a part of that. You will never… ever… cease to be a blessing, and a key part of changing my life forever for the better.

stopping by…

July 26, 2008 in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

HIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

P.S. I do have something to right about. Just not at 1 am.

Transition?

July 15, 2008 in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

First of all, many, many and a thousand thanks to everyone who responded (via email or comment) to my last blog. It is very, VERY much appreciated. I will more than likely be setting up a shop on etsy.com this week, at which point you will all, of course, be free to give me money in exchange for pretty pictures.

I know I have been super slack in posting. More or less I’ve been slack ever since “falling in love.” I apologize, and yet, I don’t. I am happy than I can ever remember and apparently that means I am not as obsessed with politics and the environment in the form of the death of Jessie Helms or Bush’s lifting of the executive ban on off-shore drilling. Whatever. Yes. They are incredibly important. Each one deserves its own post/rant. But honestly? I’m not thinking about these things all that much/as much as I was before. Yes, I still plan to vote for Obama. But yes, I am incredibly upset about his decision/comments regarding warrant-less wiretapping. Either way he is still the best candidate for our nation and our world right now and even though he is not my Perfect Ideal candidate I am going to vote for him, and will do so happily.

What I really want to post about is feminism in America today. Lots of things have come up recently to make this a predominate issue in my mind. But instead, I ask you… Have I mentioned that my cat plays fetch?

Query

July 1, 2008 in Uncategorized | 6 comments

Dear Friends,

I have a question to ask you. Never have I wanted to hear feedback from you as badly as I do at this moment. Well, I think never. Mostly. What I need to know is… would YOU buy one of these photos? More than one? How much would you be willing to pay for an 8×10? A 5×7? Would you want to pay more for it to arrive framed and matted or would you rather just pay for a print? Which of these photos are you most likely to buy, if any? Which would you NEVER buy?

I am thinking about setting up a shop on etsy.com. I am looking for more ways to stretch myself creatively as well as generate extra income. A few months ago I donated some images to a charity auction and since all of the images sold I think I can somewhat confidently move forward on this idea. So I am moving forward to ask YOU. What do you think?

Updated: New questions
Mattes alone are easier and cheaper than mattes plus frames, so receiving a matted print wouldn’t be much more than a framed one. Does that make a difference to you? Also, are there any of these images you wouldn’t buy yourself but would love to receive as a gift? Or give?

evening at durant, raleigh